Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Minions have Arrived

The Twelve Minions

There once lived a child, age fifteen, who crawled about the sewers endlessly on his days away from school. He did it as a sort of relaxation technique. The boy would crawl until he could crawl no more then spend the night wherever he ended up passing out from exhaustion, then he would awake and find his way back out. The boy a slender type with a pencil thin white trash mustache and a crew cut. Wore a leotard
because it made him feel catlike and slippery. Just to think about his days in the tunnels brought him the utmost joy during his darkest times. He knew he could never quit this love of his.
On the eve of Christmas, when the sun was at its low point in the sky he got a taste for his drug and decided to make a short venture in to the manhole that night of nights. He packed up his things and slipped in to his ‘tard. As he stepped out the door he second guessed himself for the first time ever, but he ignored the notion and went along skipping down to the center of the neighborhood where his favorite sewer lid which he called Condom Turnpike awaited him. He checked to make sure there was in fact no one watching then sprang the lid and down right in covering the hole as he did. The tunnel was dark but he had developed his night vision over the years and could see clear as day. He walked along the rivers edge as it sloped downward . He was walking when he realized that it was firelight he was seeing not his superhuman night vision.
He crept into the room quit not to wake the sleeping lady from her slumber. As the fire crackled he moved toward the exit of her lair. Just as he was about to exit he kicked a small dog into the fire completely on purpose. This woke the woman because she could sense her dogs pain. The woman said, “wait young one.” He said, “why should I.” She said because I have a proposal for you.” So the boy sat. She said, “ if you give each one of my dogs one kiss, I will give you a small prize in return. I have twelve dogs so the is twelve prizes.” The boy stood up so excitedly that he didn’t notice he was fully erect, and poked the woman in her adams apple. He did not apologize or feel any remorse but instead stood there forcing her to awkwardly pretend not to notice it. After about five minutes of that he circled the room cutely pecking each dog once and frenching the last to the point of Chihuahua orgasm. She said very well and gave him twelve prizes the first five where McDonalds toys and the second seven where audio tapes of her watching tennis matches. He was ecstatic with happiness and said , “ I want a slave for Christmas and I think I just found one.” After saying this he ripped the dog she was holding out of her grasp and jumped into the shit river. He drifted till morning and took it on home.

Ten years later when the boy was age twenty five he was living alone in his own house. His dog was older now and had a little goatee for character. He was having breakfast one morning when he heard a knock at his door. He went to see who it was and when he opened it he was pleasantly surprised to see the woman and her twelve dead dogs skeletal remains on leashes dragging behind her . He said,” hey baby wanna’ screw?” She said,” I have been knocking door to door for the past ten years looking for you and my little doggie. Now where is he?” He handed her the dog and she immediately ate him alive in one bite. He says, “ aww shucks why would you do that sweetie?” The woman replied, “because he was a hot dog, get it?” The man then punched her head clean off her body. THE END


thisismine. thatisyours. said...

oh dearest nicholas.

why you so stanky?

Jim Lujan said...

I commend you publicly.